Friday, December 28, 2007
Last night had a dream with John in it. He was cutting hair at Tresses, artistcally using the cutting razor on a client's dry hair, which is uncomfortable for the client and hard to accomplish the effect the hairstylist wants. I ke[t trying to catch his eye to pantamine the action of spraying the hair with water, but John was intent on what he was doing. Mostly what was disturbing is John did not look earthly. He was pale and his finger tips were cut a bleeding, obviously he was sick again. I am sure this was not one of the dreams where he has made contact, I do think it is because the holidays have passed again, I'd written a couple days ago to Tonio (he is on Chemo again) that I did not feel John around much anymore. That he clearly has gone on to do his new job and I was just dreaming and he was in it. The dream has woke me up this morning and prompted me out of bed to write.
I have composed many blogs over the silent months. I am not as fragile as I was, time has healed me a bit, however my energy to complete tasks or organize my life is still damaged. I go to the computer, read my e-mail yet I am unable to to respond to the letters. I continue to scatter myself throughout the day and have to pick it all up before I can settle down which drives Jackie a bit bonkers. I still drift off and do not complete sentences, almost as if they does not matter any more what I have to say. Sharon continues to help me find joy in my life, which ironically life has offered in many forms, including Mathias, yet I still refuse to acknowledge any point to it. We are born, we work hard, then we die. We do not get to take any of this with us, when we are gone our flesh is left and we are gone. Whether I am rich or poor, when I take my last breath I leave everything, my clothes, my thimbles, my family and I am gone, so I often ask why bother. The end result is I leave here and go someplace that none of this matters. On the other hand this brings up the other part of the dream when I was in a subway station and it was very creepy and dangerous. It was scary and I did not want to be in this place...so what does it mean? It means I will continue to work making this world as nice as I can until being here is no longer necessary.
Not long ago, my Dad's Grandson Brian died from lymphoma. Brian is not related to me. He was the son of one of my Dad's step daughters. This means my father now has lost two grandsons to cancer. Brian's life was different than John's as different as his cancer was except the end result...they died at 22. Going through the services was terrible. Not just because it brought John's death and funeral to mind, but many of the bruises that are left unhealed. The fact I was looking at all his friends there consoling each other and Brian's mom only to know in a couple months Brian will be a fading dream to them as their lives get busy, and Bridget will be alone in he pain of losing her son. Another thing is that Brian finally got to choose to have no more treatment. He was the one who said no, he had enough and chose to take what ever consiquences that went with it, he allowed himself to shut down and die. John never did, he went out fighting, only really giving up once he was drugged enough to not feel his lungs fill up with blood and stop his breath. Brian really suffered though out his disease, in and out of the hospital with complications. There are pictures of him, he looked sick, the cancer ate his body and spirit away making it easier for him to say no more. John was only sick during treatment and only when the cancer returned.
I still wake up many mornings trying so sort out how this could of happened to someone robust, to a Mom who changed their life to be a Mom, to a brother who now feels overly reponscible for his mother, and all who knew him.
New year is a couple days away, February 25 is around the corner, then Easter and May 4th. I will still keep wondering what happened, still wander in disbelif, still drive people crazy with my drifting sentences...the damage is not repairable that having one of my children taken away...but I will continue to try.
I have composed many blogs over the silent months. I am not as fragile as I was, time has healed me a bit, however my energy to complete tasks or organize my life is still damaged. I go to the computer, read my e-mail yet I am unable to to respond to the letters. I continue to scatter myself throughout the day and have to pick it all up before I can settle down which drives Jackie a bit bonkers. I still drift off and do not complete sentences, almost as if they does not matter any more what I have to say. Sharon continues to help me find joy in my life, which ironically life has offered in many forms, including Mathias, yet I still refuse to acknowledge any point to it. We are born, we work hard, then we die. We do not get to take any of this with us, when we are gone our flesh is left and we are gone. Whether I am rich or poor, when I take my last breath I leave everything, my clothes, my thimbles, my family and I am gone, so I often ask why bother. The end result is I leave here and go someplace that none of this matters. On the other hand this brings up the other part of the dream when I was in a subway station and it was very creepy and dangerous. It was scary and I did not want to be in this place...so what does it mean? It means I will continue to work making this world as nice as I can until being here is no longer necessary.
Not long ago, my Dad's Grandson Brian died from lymphoma. Brian is not related to me. He was the son of one of my Dad's step daughters. This means my father now has lost two grandsons to cancer. Brian's life was different than John's as different as his cancer was except the end result...they died at 22. Going through the services was terrible. Not just because it brought John's death and funeral to mind, but many of the bruises that are left unhealed. The fact I was looking at all his friends there consoling each other and Brian's mom only to know in a couple months Brian will be a fading dream to them as their lives get busy, and Bridget will be alone in he pain of losing her son. Another thing is that Brian finally got to choose to have no more treatment. He was the one who said no, he had enough and chose to take what ever consiquences that went with it, he allowed himself to shut down and die. John never did, he went out fighting, only really giving up once he was drugged enough to not feel his lungs fill up with blood and stop his breath. Brian really suffered though out his disease, in and out of the hospital with complications. There are pictures of him, he looked sick, the cancer ate his body and spirit away making it easier for him to say no more. John was only sick during treatment and only when the cancer returned.
I still wake up many mornings trying so sort out how this could of happened to someone robust, to a Mom who changed their life to be a Mom, to a brother who now feels overly reponscible for his mother, and all who knew him.
New year is a couple days away, February 25 is around the corner, then Easter and May 4th. I will still keep wondering what happened, still wander in disbelif, still drive people crazy with my drifting sentences...the damage is not repairable that having one of my children taken away...but I will continue to try.
