Monday, June 13, 2005
My sugar Jones have actually gotten so bad that I had to make a deal with myself that if there was no line at Starbucks to get a small coffee frappacino light that I would not go to the doughnut shop next door and get an apple fritter. I have had sugar problems in the past as it is often like heroin for me, once I eat it I often go into a nod of pure pleasure, but it has never been this bad. The worst part is what my brain does to me after either a binge or in yesterdays case no binge (no line at Starbucks). What happens is if I eat sugar I go into a self talk about how weak I am or fat or ugly, but then the other talk begins about how in the world can I be so hard on myself. So matter which way it goes, the self talk is some sort of cutting remark and I can’t win for losing. The end result is that we have decided to try a different type of antidepressant, which of course makes me feel like I cannot handle my own problems.
The only good result of all this depression is that at least I have hit the depression level of grief. My grief counselor explained there are 5 levels of grief: denial; anger; bargaining; depression and finally acceptance. This does not mean one cannot do one or the other at any given one time or all 5 at once, but this is bell curve of what is normal in the grief cycle. And as all of us know, I am normal. The reason this is so enlightening for me, is that I had an experience around Easter when at church the homily was about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, and the anger I felt that this was not done for John. After all what better proof would the greater Bay Area need to believe in God but a loud mouth hairdresser to spread the word that there was a miracle in Albany? I went home that night devastated, and cried and pleaded with God for a do-over. Please let me go back in time and let us make the result different, please.
Of course we know that even if I did go back in time the result is still the same, John gone. But since that time I have stopped asking for the do-over and have been experiencing the depression…so the next step will be acceptance…which I know can be a long way off.
Jen had an experience in her meditation group where she said she really could feel the presence of John and he is watching us, not wanting. He is really big love. She did ask him to come visit me as I miss him so much, so I am back on the look out for him. Occasionally his car unpainted makes an appearance in my dreams, one never knows what is next to come.
The only good result of all this depression is that at least I have hit the depression level of grief. My grief counselor explained there are 5 levels of grief: denial; anger; bargaining; depression and finally acceptance. This does not mean one cannot do one or the other at any given one time or all 5 at once, but this is bell curve of what is normal in the grief cycle. And as all of us know, I am normal. The reason this is so enlightening for me, is that I had an experience around Easter when at church the homily was about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, and the anger I felt that this was not done for John. After all what better proof would the greater Bay Area need to believe in God but a loud mouth hairdresser to spread the word that there was a miracle in Albany? I went home that night devastated, and cried and pleaded with God for a do-over. Please let me go back in time and let us make the result different, please.
Of course we know that even if I did go back in time the result is still the same, John gone. But since that time I have stopped asking for the do-over and have been experiencing the depression…so the next step will be acceptance…which I know can be a long way off.
Jen had an experience in her meditation group where she said she really could feel the presence of John and he is watching us, not wanting. He is really big love. She did ask him to come visit me as I miss him so much, so I am back on the look out for him. Occasionally his car unpainted makes an appearance in my dreams, one never knows what is next to come.
