Friday, October 15, 2004
One year ago today Dr. Jim donated stem cells to try and cure John. I remember waking up and seeing the tree outside John's hospital room looking really orange and bright and thinking that it had to be a sign from God (like a burning bush) that John would be okay. It is kind of silly how often I looked for signs and omens that promised John would get better, but what else was I supposed to do? I really believed some how some way John would get better and live a long healthy life. I still do not quite understand how this all happened in the first place. And not only I, but my family and friends have to go through the rest of their lives with John dead. It doesn't make sense to me. I do not know how I am going to cope with having to live with him gone. Some days it just seems too hard and I am really tired of feeling so empty and sad. Other days it seems like I have moved on, buy mostly I am only a walking ghost in my life. The other night a client asked how I was doing and all I could tell her is, "I got up this morning". I am not sure how long I can continue life on auto pilot waiting for me to feel better. Mostly I have been trying hard to cope with the reality that John is not going to come back (what a cheat) and that I will always have something missing from my life. The other morning the dental hygienist told me that she too lost a son 6 years ago when he was 51/2 months old. The pain in her face was still fresh. She has had 6 years to try to learn to live with it. I really do know that something has changed and will not ever go back, and in some way I believe it shouldn't.
After I wrote the blog from Mexico, I reached into my pocket and found a penny that was not there earlier. I know this because I'd worn the shorts a couple days before and I had no America change with me. Didn't bring any. Right after that I went to the beach and a vender approached me with aren’t you the lady who was looking for...our secret word (remember it is a simple animal)? Nice to know John can join me in Mexico, and remind me he hasn't forgotten about us.
Monday the tree ceremony will take place. It is already there half way planted. I got the prototype of the bronze plaque. I am sure it will be really tough, but I am so glad it is happening. Peter, one of John's old troop leaders had worked so hard to make this happen. I am at a loss as to how to thank him properly.
After I wrote the blog from Mexico, I reached into my pocket and found a penny that was not there earlier. I know this because I'd worn the shorts a couple days before and I had no America change with me. Didn't bring any. Right after that I went to the beach and a vender approached me with aren’t you the lady who was looking for...our secret word (remember it is a simple animal)? Nice to know John can join me in Mexico, and remind me he hasn't forgotten about us.
Monday the tree ceremony will take place. It is already there half way planted. I got the prototype of the bronze plaque. I am sure it will be really tough, but I am so glad it is happening. Peter, one of John's old troop leaders had worked so hard to make this happen. I am at a loss as to how to thank him properly.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
I am writing from Mexico this morning. It has been a really nice vacation, the weather has been perfect. The food is not that good, but I find all restaurant food is not the same since John is not cooking it. I have mostly been at the beach and have done some shopping. The only bummer of the trip has been the first day I was here some wine spilled into my beach bag onto John´s digital camera I gave him last Christmas. On e may wonder why I am typing a blog while in Mexico. Today Jackie, Nasrin and Tricia went of a 3 hour boat cruise and I am not that keen on boats...so today I got to lay around and finish my book.
Next Friday will be the anniversary of John´s second transplant. I thing the date will come and go without much fanfare as his first BMT (February 4th) passed both times with out thinking much about it. It is hard as I am in contact with two other families that had transplants within that time frame. It is not resentment...just resignation that John did not make that mark. Also it is hard because I know that while they feel bad, John holds a beacon of what still might happen to them. In the meantime we celebrate their accomplishments.
Well back to the beach! Miss you John.
Next Friday will be the anniversary of John´s second transplant. I thing the date will come and go without much fanfare as his first BMT (February 4th) passed both times with out thinking much about it. It is hard as I am in contact with two other families that had transplants within that time frame. It is not resentment...just resignation that John did not make that mark. Also it is hard because I know that while they feel bad, John holds a beacon of what still might happen to them. In the meantime we celebrate their accomplishments.
Well back to the beach! Miss you John.
