Monday, October 04, 2004
It has been five months since John got pulled from this world. It still seems so fresh to me. It is hard to believe that so much time has passed yet it still feels like yesterday. I still look at pictures of John and wonder how this of could happened. Where is the clue that John’s fate was sealed? What are really the chances that first one gets sick, let alone cancer and then fights it with great medical care and still dies? It still does not make sense and it still makes me mad.
This week I am going to take a trip with my girlfriends at work. We are going to Puerto Vallarta for six days. I am leaving my cell phone home this time. I am refusing to let the phone haunt me this time by not ringing, and on the other hand there really is no reason that anyone will need to contact me while I am away (at least there better not be). I am looking forward to being away, having fun and being lazy for a few days. I am also working hard to keep the anxiety attacks from ruining what will be a good time.
The tree planting planning is going. Peter picked out a tree. Says it is a real sturdy one. My brother John has decided to fly from Texas to join me. That really means a lot since John has to take time from work. Today I went to a place to order the bronze plaque. Got there, but decided I didn’t like the salesman and left. He was talking really loud and seemed annoyed that I was there asking for a rush order, not sure what size. I mean I never had to order anything like this before. It truly was my first experience with someone who really didn’t give a s*&t about what John or I have gone through. By the time I left the store I felt like yelling at him. Gee I wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that it has the date of birth and date of death written on it.
I signed up for another 6 sessions of grief counseling. Sharon is really compassionate. Today she decided that at each session we would like a candle so that we have John there too. I went for a walk afterwards and think perhaps she can help me articulate things I would like to tell John. The hardest part of reliving the last few weeks of his life is that there are things I would like to change, like hugging him more. Or not getting edgy when transportation was late and I was delayed. I truly sometimes wish I never yelled at him growing up. But the truth is there is no do-over here.
This week I am going to take a trip with my girlfriends at work. We are going to Puerto Vallarta for six days. I am leaving my cell phone home this time. I am refusing to let the phone haunt me this time by not ringing, and on the other hand there really is no reason that anyone will need to contact me while I am away (at least there better not be). I am looking forward to being away, having fun and being lazy for a few days. I am also working hard to keep the anxiety attacks from ruining what will be a good time.
The tree planting planning is going. Peter picked out a tree. Says it is a real sturdy one. My brother John has decided to fly from Texas to join me. That really means a lot since John has to take time from work. Today I went to a place to order the bronze plaque. Got there, but decided I didn’t like the salesman and left. He was talking really loud and seemed annoyed that I was there asking for a rush order, not sure what size. I mean I never had to order anything like this before. It truly was my first experience with someone who really didn’t give a s*&t about what John or I have gone through. By the time I left the store I felt like yelling at him. Gee I wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that it has the date of birth and date of death written on it.
I signed up for another 6 sessions of grief counseling. Sharon is really compassionate. Today she decided that at each session we would like a candle so that we have John there too. I went for a walk afterwards and think perhaps she can help me articulate things I would like to tell John. The hardest part of reliving the last few weeks of his life is that there are things I would like to change, like hugging him more. Or not getting edgy when transportation was late and I was delayed. I truly sometimes wish I never yelled at him growing up. But the truth is there is no do-over here.
