Alta Bates Nitty Gritty

Christmas again, without John. This year it is different with Dee here (much happier) with Scott and I. We have a tree. Even wrapped presents under it. I do see some real bright light in the future of the real possibilities of happy Christmas' again. But last night a minor thing happened and I went walking on the edge of the earth again. I will be so relieved when I will not feel a huge load on my back over the minor things and only the real reason it is so hard, John gone. I look forward to Christmas when I do not ball myself up in bed, smoke cigarettes, and have to have a glass of something to drink, albeit untouched, but it had to be there. I look forward to life's little bumps that will not pull the rug out from under me. This morning I am going to Jen's for breakfast (actually forcing myself), but it has to change. I cannot keep going on like this, the valleys are getting hard to climb out of, and sometimes I just don't have the strength anymore. I know that having John die added to all my other abandonment issues, but wish I could feel his abandonment, instead of the shame of feeling more upset about the small things. I wish I could really, I mean really cry about John being gone and my life changing without permission. Today I wake up, too early, facing a living room with John's stocking empty again.