Monday, January 02, 2006
I had a dream last night about going to a bar already almost drunk. I met an intriguing man who I left with. He asked me if I was a prostitute the same way a drug dealer would ask if the person he is selling drugs to is a cop. There was something creepy about the guy. I did not care. He gave me this cup to drink, I knew it was a drug, took it anyway. I then began to realize this guy was not only creepy, but sinister. On the drug he had plans to hurt me. Just as I was going into the oblivion I told the guy that me son died…and I would do anything to forget for a while.
I woke up. The holiday season is over and I made it through another one. This one was much harder because I am not on auto pilot anymore. I have gotten less numb every day. Yesterday I drove home on the lower deck of the bay bridge and remembered screaming the last time I was on it. It will forever remind me that John crossed that bridge many times coming home from culinary school. This time I only put my nails into my palms, but the scream is still so close to the surface.
A good friend of Scott and I apparently jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge this winter. I have been shaken since I heard. His body was not found yet and I have been praying that Jesse will turn up on shore or come back from the long walk he may have taken. I do not know how my friend copes as I saw John take his last breath and still find it hard to believe he is dead. With no remains or as I hope him returning alive I just cannot imagine how hard it is for her. I keep wondering if she has gotten any sure sign from the other side from her son. And if not does that mean he is not dead or that I am a fool to think that John has sent me pennies and other things. I am afraid to ask because if he hasn’t sent her something then this will bring into question my entire belief system, I have to believe when John closed his eyes he opened them some place else. Otherwise this entire thing we call life is just a bunch of crap and there really is not point in living it to the fullest. For what reason should we do things to heighten our awareness if all that will happen is we will die and turn to dust. At least however if this is true, then when I die I will finally had a chance to forget.
I still do not allow myself to cry much because when I do my head feels like it will explode. I am still so empty inside, go through life like a robot wondering when I will feel like myself again, but how can that happen when part of myself was been ripped from me.
I had a dream last night about going to a bar already almost drunk. I met an intriguing man who I left with. He asked me if I was a prostitute the same way a drug dealer would ask if the person he is selling drugs to is a cop. There was something creepy about the guy. I did not care. He gave me this cup to drink, I knew it was a drug, took it anyway. I then began to realize this guy was not only creepy, but sinister. On the drug he had plans to hurt me. Just as I was going into the oblivion I told the guy that me son died…and I would do anything to forget for a while.
I woke up. The holiday season is over and I made it through another one. This one was much harder because I am not on auto pilot anymore. I have gotten less numb every day. Yesterday I drove home on the lower deck of the bay bridge and remembered screaming the last time I was on it. It will forever remind me that John crossed that bridge many times coming home from culinary school. This time I only put my nails into my palms, but the scream is still so close to the surface.
A good friend of Scott and I apparently jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge this winter. I have been shaken since I heard. His body was not found yet and I have been praying that Jesse will turn up on shore or come back from the long walk he may have taken. I do not know how my friend copes as I saw John take his last breath and still find it hard to believe he is dead. With no remains or as I hope him returning alive I just cannot imagine how hard it is for her. I keep wondering if she has gotten any sure sign from the other side from her son. And if not does that mean he is not dead or that I am a fool to think that John has sent me pennies and other things. I am afraid to ask because if he hasn’t sent her something then this will bring into question my entire belief system, I have to believe when John closed his eyes he opened them some place else. Otherwise this entire thing we call life is just a bunch of crap and there really is not point in living it to the fullest. For what reason should we do things to heighten our awareness if all that will happen is we will die and turn to dust. At least however if this is true, then when I die I will finally had a chance to forget.
I still do not allow myself to cry much because when I do my head feels like it will explode. I am still so empty inside, go through life like a robot wondering when I will feel like myself again, but how can that happen when part of myself was been ripped from me.
I know God promises not to give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much. - Mother Teresa
I woke up. The holiday season is over and I made it through another one. This one was much harder because I am not on auto pilot anymore. I have gotten less numb every day. Yesterday I drove home on the lower deck of the bay bridge and remembered screaming the last time I was on it. It will forever remind me that John crossed that bridge many times coming home from culinary school. This time I only put my nails into my palms, but the scream is still so close to the surface.
A good friend of Scott and I apparently jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge this winter. I have been shaken since I heard. His body was not found yet and I have been praying that Jesse will turn up on shore or come back from the long walk he may have taken. I do not know how my friend copes as I saw John take his last breath and still find it hard to believe he is dead. With no remains or as I hope him returning alive I just cannot imagine how hard it is for her. I keep wondering if she has gotten any sure sign from the other side from her son. And if not does that mean he is not dead or that I am a fool to think that John has sent me pennies and other things. I am afraid to ask because if he hasn’t sent her something then this will bring into question my entire belief system, I have to believe when John closed his eyes he opened them some place else. Otherwise this entire thing we call life is just a bunch of crap and there really is not point in living it to the fullest. For what reason should we do things to heighten our awareness if all that will happen is we will die and turn to dust. At least however if this is true, then when I die I will finally had a chance to forget.
I still do not allow myself to cry much because when I do my head feels like it will explode. I am still so empty inside, go through life like a robot wondering when I will feel like myself again, but how can that happen when part of myself was been ripped from me.
I had a dream last night about going to a bar already almost drunk. I met an intriguing man who I left with. He asked me if I was a prostitute the same way a drug dealer would ask if the person he is selling drugs to is a cop. There was something creepy about the guy. I did not care. He gave me this cup to drink, I knew it was a drug, took it anyway. I then began to realize this guy was not only creepy, but sinister. On the drug he had plans to hurt me. Just as I was going into the oblivion I told the guy that me son died…and I would do anything to forget for a while.
I woke up. The holiday season is over and I made it through another one. This one was much harder because I am not on auto pilot anymore. I have gotten less numb every day. Yesterday I drove home on the lower deck of the bay bridge and remembered screaming the last time I was on it. It will forever remind me that John crossed that bridge many times coming home from culinary school. This time I only put my nails into my palms, but the scream is still so close to the surface.
A good friend of Scott and I apparently jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge this winter. I have been shaken since I heard. His body was not found yet and I have been praying that Jesse will turn up on shore or come back from the long walk he may have taken. I do not know how my friend copes as I saw John take his last breath and still find it hard to believe he is dead. With no remains or as I hope him returning alive I just cannot imagine how hard it is for her. I keep wondering if she has gotten any sure sign from the other side from her son. And if not does that mean he is not dead or that I am a fool to think that John has sent me pennies and other things. I am afraid to ask because if he hasn’t sent her something then this will bring into question my entire belief system, I have to believe when John closed his eyes he opened them some place else. Otherwise this entire thing we call life is just a bunch of crap and there really is not point in living it to the fullest. For what reason should we do things to heighten our awareness if all that will happen is we will die and turn to dust. At least however if this is true, then when I die I will finally had a chance to forget.
I still do not allow myself to cry much because when I do my head feels like it will explode. I am still so empty inside, go through life like a robot wondering when I will feel like myself again, but how can that happen when part of myself was been ripped from me.
I know God promises not to give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much. - Mother Teresa
