Alta Bates Nitty Gritty

Not sure why the Universe must always push what I can handle. This week Scott is taking his bar exam which as a parent is really hard because all a parent wants is the easiest most wonderful life for their child. I want him to pass without a hitch, however I have learned the hard way there are no guarantees in life and even if one has had a hard time or given a few blows (IE. John dying) that does not mean I get a free pass even once. Finally I have found a therapist who has been really helpful and his last day is Thursday (yes I had warning--lots of warning). I am heart broken and feel such abandonment. The truth is I do not have any say so in this decision and much like John I just have to accept this fate. I know it is not my therapist's fault, it is the clinic's policy, but I find myself pretty mad about this. I know that Ross (the therapist) thinks this is a good thing, that I am mad and able to feel again, but truly I would of rather stayed numb. I have had several disagreements with people I love lately including one where they said I was being like my Mom. I still do not know how to fix this disagreement, but it makes me sad to be in this situation, it was so much easier to just let it go. So today, my second to my last visit, I was really horrible to Ross. I mean a complete asshole, and I do not know now if we will part in a positive way...I feel I have ruin what was good. Everything is work.

I had a waking dream a couple months ago, not sure if I shared it, but John was saying I should enjoy the work here on earth as there is still hard work where he is. Even in heaven there is no "there, there".