Monday, February 19, 2007
I do believe I have finally lost my mind. As I was walking at the beach today, of course to let the in and out of the waves calm my brain, hoping to put me on an even keel, I began to follow these footprints. I was sure these foot prints were some sort of sign from above that would lead me to some sort of “aha” of life and it’s meaning. The truth is all these prints led me to is the end of the beach. I do fear I am starting to lose some of my faith, and this thought scares me. I hope soon God will appear in some way concrete so I truly know John did not stop living once he stopped breathing here.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
A week from today would have been John’s 25th birthday. I really do not know how I am going to keep it together through this week. I am unfrozen these days, trying to put my best foot forward, but often the peaks and valleys of my emotions make it difficult.
Today I ran into one of John’s best friends with his wife and toddler. The wife is pregnant again. While I know life goes on for everyone, including me, I could not help but feel the desire that I ran into John and his wife, with his son riding on his neck, and his pregnant wife. It is hard to keep my chin high and keep from humiliating myself with expressions of wishful thinking. After all it is not really right to express how much I wish it were John instead of them. I do not begrudge them their happiness and it took all my restraint not to remind them of John’s birthday coming up. I am sure some people will remember, but mostly it is me who continues to carry the torch of recalling all dates and events. I am going to serve wine during Eucharist at mass this Sunday. I do know while John was not a confirmed Catholic, Eclectic, he called himself, I do believe he knows how meaningful it is for me to do this on his birthday. I do worry about keeping it together.
Today after work I walked on the beach, something a friend suggested as the tide does represent the ins and outs of my moods. It is hard to accept one minute I am full of joy and the next despair. I am hoping it will lead to some sort of even keel in my life. I do fret of still of falling off as I know it is easy to do. I see it all the time working at the hospital. So many people suffer; I know at one time they had to have clarity of thought like I once had.
I am missing companionship, but not in the way one would think. I know the comfort and sympathy is there from the people who are suppose to offer it to me, and why I do not take them up on it is really part of my own mental state of mind. But when a person, who is offering support because they want to, and not have to, is much more calming. However, that comfort does not happen frequently and I am left in a self imposed state of unhappiness. Not able to accept comfort from those who readily can give it and desire comfort from those who cannot offer it does seem like a way to continue to punish myself for not being able to save John.
I did cry today, so what is new about that, but truly I cried for John. My baby is gone and so is his future.
Today I ran into one of John’s best friends with his wife and toddler. The wife is pregnant again. While I know life goes on for everyone, including me, I could not help but feel the desire that I ran into John and his wife, with his son riding on his neck, and his pregnant wife. It is hard to keep my chin high and keep from humiliating myself with expressions of wishful thinking. After all it is not really right to express how much I wish it were John instead of them. I do not begrudge them their happiness and it took all my restraint not to remind them of John’s birthday coming up. I am sure some people will remember, but mostly it is me who continues to carry the torch of recalling all dates and events. I am going to serve wine during Eucharist at mass this Sunday. I do know while John was not a confirmed Catholic, Eclectic, he called himself, I do believe he knows how meaningful it is for me to do this on his birthday. I do worry about keeping it together.
Today after work I walked on the beach, something a friend suggested as the tide does represent the ins and outs of my moods. It is hard to accept one minute I am full of joy and the next despair. I am hoping it will lead to some sort of even keel in my life. I do fret of still of falling off as I know it is easy to do. I see it all the time working at the hospital. So many people suffer; I know at one time they had to have clarity of thought like I once had.
I am missing companionship, but not in the way one would think. I know the comfort and sympathy is there from the people who are suppose to offer it to me, and why I do not take them up on it is really part of my own mental state of mind. But when a person, who is offering support because they want to, and not have to, is much more calming. However, that comfort does not happen frequently and I am left in a self imposed state of unhappiness. Not able to accept comfort from those who readily can give it and desire comfort from those who cannot offer it does seem like a way to continue to punish myself for not being able to save John.
I did cry today, so what is new about that, but truly I cried for John. My baby is gone and so is his future.
