Tuesday, February 07, 2006
I am thinking I should rename the Blog since what ever I am going through really has little to do with Alta Bates anymore. Should it be renamed Grief Nitty Gritty? I really do not know.
I realize that there are many times I want to write, but just cannot muster the energy to turn on the computer. I think I spend most of my energy trying just to get through the day and then fall into bed. I find brushing and flossing my teeth an overwhelming task (but I do it). My grief counselor says this is a sign of me coping and having good mental health (right) as what I really want to do all the time is sleep, talk about John and his last weekend, and lay around in a blanket on my couch. Just the fact that I get up each day, and keep myself busy is good. Although I have not shared with her that keeping too busy and working too much is also how I cope because if I am still that is when it crashes in. It also crashes in when I look at John's graduation picture, because even after a year and a half I still cannot believe this has happened to us, the world. How can we live without John? I still growl, would like to stamp my feet, but can't because it is rude to the people on the lower floor.
Of course most every one has moved on. I know that occasionally someone will see something that reminds them of John, a loud car, a good knife, but I have come to the conclusion that if they remember John and I don't know it...then I think he is forgotten. I do believe this is one of the hardest things to cope with that only I will remember him anymore. Of course I know this is not true, but I have found that every once in a while someone will mention or treasure something of his and then I feel better.
I read, "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion. The book is about the year her husband died suddenly and her daughter was critically ill. The book is a must read for anyone who wants to understand or be put in my shoes for a moment. She has put into words so many thoughts and emotions that it has given my the courage to begin to mourn instead of grieve. I finally have decided that as tough as it is, it is time to shit or get off the pot. I of course worry that John will not think I love him still or miss him which is always going to be impossible, but just meandering through life is miserable and I am sure miserable for those around me too.
John's birthday is soon, he would of been 24. Gosh I just know he would of been working at T-Rex and helping put some consistency in the food. He was such an expert with grilled meats.
I realize that there are many times I want to write, but just cannot muster the energy to turn on the computer. I think I spend most of my energy trying just to get through the day and then fall into bed. I find brushing and flossing my teeth an overwhelming task (but I do it). My grief counselor says this is a sign of me coping and having good mental health (right) as what I really want to do all the time is sleep, talk about John and his last weekend, and lay around in a blanket on my couch. Just the fact that I get up each day, and keep myself busy is good. Although I have not shared with her that keeping too busy and working too much is also how I cope because if I am still that is when it crashes in. It also crashes in when I look at John's graduation picture, because even after a year and a half I still cannot believe this has happened to us, the world. How can we live without John? I still growl, would like to stamp my feet, but can't because it is rude to the people on the lower floor.
Of course most every one has moved on. I know that occasionally someone will see something that reminds them of John, a loud car, a good knife, but I have come to the conclusion that if they remember John and I don't know it...then I think he is forgotten. I do believe this is one of the hardest things to cope with that only I will remember him anymore. Of course I know this is not true, but I have found that every once in a while someone will mention or treasure something of his and then I feel better.
I read, "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion. The book is about the year her husband died suddenly and her daughter was critically ill. The book is a must read for anyone who wants to understand or be put in my shoes for a moment. She has put into words so many thoughts and emotions that it has given my the courage to begin to mourn instead of grieve. I finally have decided that as tough as it is, it is time to shit or get off the pot. I of course worry that John will not think I love him still or miss him which is always going to be impossible, but just meandering through life is miserable and I am sure miserable for those around me too.
John's birthday is soon, he would of been 24. Gosh I just know he would of been working at T-Rex and helping put some consistency in the food. He was such an expert with grilled meats.
