Alta Bates Nitty Gritty

Not sure why it has been so hard. How can I manage the loss? Will I ever forgive the fact or get peace I gave permission to go? It haunts me. I miss you so luch my dear. Do you hear me cry?

Last night I had dream where I was looking for John becoming more frantic. i called his phone and a calling service answered. John was not answering for himself. I began to cry, then scream. I realized I didn't know where he lived anymore. That He hadn't visited me in more than a year. I was furious with him. Embarrased I did'nt know where my son was. Why would he not tell me where he was living? Answer his phone when I called? I cried in the middle of the street caring for a baby crying, sobbing, beating my chest. An old friend of John's looked at me from across the street. He was shaking his head because I was making a specticle of myself. I finally saw John on the street corner and gave him the baby. He looked like he had cancer again. He said he had arranged for his calls to go the the answering center to trick them because they were not staying confidential. The baby began to cry, furious and red. John could not calm the baby, he brought it to me and I handed the baby to the young woman next to me. a girlfriend of sorts of John's. He had clearly picked her, but really did not want to see her. He did not really want to see me. He just wanted to be left alone. She rocked and held the baby tight. I always wonder what these dreams mean. Just a dream? A sign John is going to come back? Would he choose a harder life than the one he had with me? Or would he be given a better life next time around? I want him to wait for me until I die. I want to see him again. I demand it from God. Is this making him have cancer where ever he is? Is my desire to see him, be with his soul again draining his essential self? The dream did not make me feel good. I sit here crying as I type.

My dearest John Why do sometimes I look for you? Will the pain of your absence ever lessen. I hope you have seen your wonderful niece. I see her looking past me and wonder if she sees you, in all your wonderful blue feeling happy for the moments of joy she brings me. They are so rare these days. Times I feel envious you no longer have the burden of the gravity of this world, but grateful I feel you helping me stay tethered and able to stay. John, you are missed. I love when you visit me in my dreams. Cannot believe it has been thirteen long years. You will forever be loved and missed. Love your Mom

I am so missing my baby tonight. Will it ever end?

Grrrrrrrrrgrrrrrrrr so unfair grrrrrrrr

6 long long years. Or is it wasn’t it just yesterday? It still feels like yesterday. The pain is still here, occasionally it is a dull gnawing pain, still comes in waves where I feel I have been punched in the stomach. Sometimes the pain weighs my shoulders down and at time squeezes my heart. There are times I find myself crying these days, having Dad die took the finger out of the dike and there are now holes in my unconscious and carefully constructed dam. I am told if I let the dam break I will feel better, but do I really want to? I have continued on with my life, I have had fun, even experienced a brief period of love, but do I really ever want to ever let go of my grief and sadness of John dying? NO! I will never get over this. I do not think there will ever be a day I will not furrow my brow at God, and find my jaw set teeth grinding with fury for taking my baby. I know, I know that there had to be a deal made at the time of John’s conception that John only had 22 years with me, with Scott, with Pop and all those who loved him.

I lay here in my bed, and look around at all the wonderful things I have been given. My sisters (and in law), brothers and Uncle Bob. A great running and business partner that includes a husband who loves and supports me too. My son, Scott. Friends, friends and more friends.

I can always think about all the others who have it worse than I, but today I am going to feel sorry for myself. I am going to wallow in the muck and give myself a day to mourn. I will go for a walk on the beach and let the sounds of the waves enter, swirl and pull the sadness from me. Hopefully it will clean me out, and give me the strength to go on for another year.

I am adding a picture of a drawing John did in Kindergarten for mother’s day. I look at this everyday. It has never, even when John was alive, ever faded into being just a picture. It reassures me that his love for me will never die. I still feel John at times come and sit on the edge of my bed. I still wish I would wake up and find this has all been a bad dream. I still wish it was me instead.

I miss you big John. 77 forever.

John’s bed. Another thing I use daily that because time, wear and tear it is time to let go of. I got this bed when John was around 13, which means it is 15 years old. So many years have passed quickly, so much has happened. Dad died a little over a month ago. I have had so much loss these last 6 years. Of course there is so much I have gained too. Does it balance out? No. However I do keep trying.