Alta Bates Nitty Gritty

Recently a childhood friend found me on facebook. Always fun, but I directed her to John's website because I just could not bring myself to tell another person I am only a mother of one (living) child. Is it part of my recovery that unless I am specifically asked I no longer mention John so I don't have to utter the words or is it refusal to face what really happened?

Ummmm...been reading a book by the author of the time traveler's wife about this woman who died of unspecified cancer (why don't they specify, it is annoying because cancer is not just cancer) and is a spirit trapped in her flat with her nieces who inherited the flat, and her former partner living down stairs. Interesting concept, but makes me wonder where John is trapped or is he trapped at all? While I have had dreams of him and perceived visits, has it happened since I moved from Kains Avenue? I have to say how much I miss living where John was alive and what a mistake it was to move. I often drive by the old house and the duplex where John lived right before he went to the hospital the last time. I wonder if the new tenants ever catch a cold spot or a glimpse of John's left over energy (spirit???)? I do have to say that I do not think John is trapped, and I know he has found me in other places, as he has found his aunties, but has he really found me here? Scott and his girlfriend are living with me, however, it does not at all mimic when he lived with me before. So having him here, while I love it does not give me the feeling of having my home where the guys and I grew up. Ummmmmm.

8 years ago on September 11 John and I sat on his bed and watched the happening in New York, Washington DC and Philidelphia. He was so afraid that he would be drafted and not be able to begin Culinary School. This day always marks the beginning to the appearance of John's leukemia.

This is where John is. It gives me great comfort.

Beginning a new medicine to see if it helps with the lack of light blues also known as season affect disease. I also met with the new therapist. She seems nice and trust worthy. I often want to post on this blog many of my real feelings, but fear loved ones will worry about me. On the other hand I want a true to life blog of life with so much loss. Tonight I visited my father and he has lost his mind. I sat and listened to his ruminations of how much "work" he is doing and his plans, but truth be known I keep wondering why he is lingering. He only remembers what he wants (for instance the bag pipe games this weekend) and in the end even with his dementia ( no matter how many times I call it Parkinson's) he still only thinks of himself.

As far as my life is concerned I am still looking for a purpose and every time my chest becomes tense and I get pain in my left
arm I am still hoping for the massive heart attack. I know how disappointed I am that I still am barely gripping on to this existence and how upset I am with the lot that God has forced on me. The therapist thinks I am strong because I keep trudging forward, but the truth be known I am just going through the motions. This is what is expected of me. As always.

Today we celebrated Scott completion of the bar with a good portion of my family and almost all of Pop's family. It wasn't until later did I realize it was not at Jim and my wedding but at John's funeral I last saw all of us in the same room. Of course always there is a gaping hole whenever there is a family celebration. I am not sure how mnay people feel it, but there is always a part of me that makes me feel I am cheating Scott because I always look for John. Scott and I don't discuss it, but I wonder if he feels that way too or if Scott feels me withdrawing as the depression begins to set in. It is such an incredible cheat for Scott to have all his hard work and accomplishments tainted like this. On the other hand I am so pleased for Scott

Not sure why the Universe must always push what I can handle. This week Scott is taking his bar exam which as a parent is really hard because all a parent wants is the easiest most wonderful life for their child. I want him to pass without a hitch, however I have learned the hard way there are no guarantees in life and even if one has had a hard time or given a few blows (IE. John dying) that does not mean I get a free pass even once. Finally I have found a therapist who has been really helpful and his last day is Thursday (yes I had warning--lots of warning). I am heart broken and feel such abandonment. The truth is I do not have any say so in this decision and much like John I just have to accept this fate. I know it is not my therapist's fault, it is the clinic's policy, but I find myself pretty mad about this. I know that Ross (the therapist) thinks this is a good thing, that I am mad and able to feel again, but truly I would of rather stayed numb. I have had several disagreements with people I love lately including one where they said I was being like my Mom. I still do not know how to fix this disagreement, but it makes me sad to be in this situation, it was so much easier to just let it go. So today, my second to my last visit, I was really horrible to Ross. I mean a complete asshole, and I do not know now if we will part in a positive way...I feel I have ruin what was good. Everything is work.

I had a waking dream a couple months ago, not sure if I shared it, but John was saying I should enjoy the work here on earth as there is still hard work where he is. Even in heaven there is no "there, there".

My sister Jennifer was at the beside of her friend Alex. He passed away while in remission from Lymphoma, however died from complications of “lung issues” Jen’s experience with cancer a lung issues is: It gets the person in the end. This is because if fungus gets into the lungs and having a compromised immunes system, the lungs do not have a chance to fight.

After I talked to Jen about her friend Alex and how it brought back to her fresh memories of John's last night she said something that makes me realize what a gift I was given to me that night. Jen mentioned that it was really hard to watch his wife when they came and took Alex. I have to say how I so glad I do not have this memory. I remember later Laura saying when I left John in his room there was a conscious effort to shield me from the mortuary people and they gurney. Thank you for doing this. Just the thought of this type of memory brings tears and upset. I am glad I do not have that to add to haunt me

I know it may sound funny, but I had a really tearful day and now I feel better with John on my lap. Not really sure what is bringing the tears, but they are here and not going away.