Alta Bates Nitty Gritty

I am so missing my baby tonight. Will it ever end?

Grrrrrrrrrgrrrrrrrr so unfair grrrrrrrr

6 long long years. Or is it wasn’t it just yesterday? It still feels like yesterday. The pain is still here, occasionally it is a dull gnawing pain, still comes in waves where I feel I have been punched in the stomach. Sometimes the pain weighs my shoulders down and at time squeezes my heart. There are times I find myself crying these days, having Dad die took the finger out of the dike and there are now holes in my unconscious and carefully constructed dam. I am told if I let the dam break I will feel better, but do I really want to? I have continued on with my life, I have had fun, even experienced a brief period of love, but do I really ever want to ever let go of my grief and sadness of John dying? NO! I will never get over this. I do not think there will ever be a day I will not furrow my brow at God, and find my jaw set teeth grinding with fury for taking my baby. I know, I know that there had to be a deal made at the time of John’s conception that John only had 22 years with me, with Scott, with Pop and all those who loved him.

I lay here in my bed, and look around at all the wonderful things I have been given. My sisters (and in law), brothers and Uncle Bob. A great running and business partner that includes a husband who loves and supports me too. My son, Scott. Friends, friends and more friends.

I can always think about all the others who have it worse than I, but today I am going to feel sorry for myself. I am going to wallow in the muck and give myself a day to mourn. I will go for a walk on the beach and let the sounds of the waves enter, swirl and pull the sadness from me. Hopefully it will clean me out, and give me the strength to go on for another year.

I am adding a picture of a drawing John did in Kindergarten for mother’s day. I look at this everyday. It has never, even when John was alive, ever faded into being just a picture. It reassures me that his love for me will never die. I still feel John at times come and sit on the edge of my bed. I still wish I would wake up and find this has all been a bad dream. I still wish it was me instead.

I miss you big John. 77 forever.

John’s bed. Another thing I use daily that because time, wear and tear it is time to let go of. I got this bed when John was around 13, which means it is 15 years old. So many years have passed quickly, so much has happened. Dad died a little over a month ago. I have had so much loss these last 6 years. Of course there is so much I have gained too. Does it balance out? No. However I do keep trying.

Christmas again, without John. This year it is different with Dee here (much happier) with Scott and I. We have a tree. Even wrapped presents under it. I do see some real bright light in the future of the real possibilities of happy Christmas' again. But last night a minor thing happened and I went walking on the edge of the earth again. I will be so relieved when I will not feel a huge load on my back over the minor things and only the real reason it is so hard, John gone. I look forward to Christmas when I do not ball myself up in bed, smoke cigarettes, and have to have a glass of something to drink, albeit untouched, but it had to be there. I look forward to life's little bumps that will not pull the rug out from under me. This morning I am going to Jen's for breakfast (actually forcing myself), but it has to change. I cannot keep going on like this, the valleys are getting hard to climb out of, and sometimes I just don't have the strength anymore. I know that having John die added to all my other abandonment issues, but wish I could feel his abandonment, instead of the shame of feeling more upset about the small things. I wish I could really, I mean really cry about John being gone and my life changing without permission. Today I wake up, too early, facing a living room with John's stocking empty again.

Today I was putting a few sparkly snowflakes on John's tree and these little kids came and helped me. I really felt the presence of John because I have been pretty sad he is not here to cook Christmas breakfast and dinner. There is a big void on Christmas morning for me, and I am sure for Scott. Just having these kids without even knowing what the tree is there for is special. There were also a couple roses, I suspect from Anthony's dad who visits his son's tree. I put a few silver snow flakes at the base of the tree and the same kids went and put them on the tree too.

GRRRRRRRRRR.