tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59466022011-09-30T08:59:16.717-07:00an up-to date journal from Becca and John Sanchez beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comBlogger2391100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1436254640548767892011-01-01T22:06:00.000-08:002011-01-01T22:07:40.567-08:00

I am so missing my baby tonight. Will it ever end?

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-44513614508247173202010-06-18T23:15:00.000-07:002010-06-18T23:16:11.545-07:00

Grrrrrrrrrgrrrrrrrr so unfair grrrrrrrr

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-57815930519227800902010-05-04T07:46:00.000-07:002010-05-04T07:54:26.201-07:00

6 long long years. Or is it wasn’t it just yesterday? It still feels like yesterday. The pain is still here, occasionally it is a dull gnawing pain, still comes in waves where I feel I have been punched in the stomach. Sometimes the pain weighs my shoulders down and at time squeezes my heart. There are times I find myself crying these days, having Dad die took the finger out of the dike and

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-87569756712905246342010-03-07T07:15:00.001-08:002010-03-07T07:15:40.213-08:00

John’s bed. Another thing I use daily that because time, wear and tear it is time to let go of. I got this bed when John was around 13, which means it is 15 years old. So many years have passed quickly, so much has happened. Dad died a little over a month ago. I have had so much loss these last 6 years. Of course there is so much I have gained too. Does it balance out? No. However I do keep

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-55999023063831421522009-12-25T07:15:00.000-08:002009-12-25T07:29:47.833-08:00

Christmas again, without John. This year it is different with Dee here (much happier) with Scott and I. We have a tree. Even wrapped presents under it. I do see some real bright light in the future of the real possibilities of happy Christmas' again. But last night a minor thing happened and I went walking on the edge of the earth again. I will be so relieved when I will not feel a huge load on

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-45096740480680654562009-12-08T20:42:00.000-08:002009-12-08T20:47:03.723-08:00

Today I was putting a few sparkly snowflakes on John's tree and these little kids came and helped me. I really felt the presence of John because I have been pretty sad he is not here to cook Christmas breakfast and dinner. There is a big void on Christmas morning for me, and I am sure for Scott. Just having these kids without even knowing what the tree is there for is special. There were also a

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-17774584341578734582009-12-04T21:53:00.001-08:002009-12-04T21:53:42.808-08:00

GRRRRRRRRRR.

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-63777446664421850592009-12-01T06:57:00.000-08:002009-12-01T07:01:25.402-08:00

I should of never said anything about being a good sleeper. Never should of mentioned how lucky I am not to have sick and expensive cats. I should of never counted my blessings that cancer did not run in the family. When will I learn to keep my mouth shut and just appreciate what is?

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-31083034252746668232009-11-30T06:53:00.000-08:002009-11-30T07:08:38.084-08:00

Just woke up from one of the worst night's sleep if that is really possible. Mostly what up writing this morning is most the dreams were about being lost, going the wrong way and having to cross a piece of ocean that just leads me to a bad neighborhood. I have the last few months have had repetitive dreams in a town with a college that is too hard to navigate and I end up going the wrong way on a

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-63181802178906943992009-11-19T21:44:00.000-08:002009-11-19T21:50:03.870-08:00

Last couple weeks I have seen people who have not talked to me in ten years. What do I say when they ask how the "boys" are? What do I do when I think about the blue of the mustang and John never say it? What do I do when I see him take his last breath and I still want to scream? Will it ever end or do I even want to let it end? Kicking me feet under my covers as I lie in bed does not relieve

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-87785492937389595072009-11-05T06:06:00.000-08:002009-11-05T06:12:34.494-08:00

Recently a childhood friend found me on facebook. Always fun, but I directed her to John's website because I just could not bring myself to tell another person I am only a mother of one (living) child. Is it part of my recovery that unless I am specifically asked I no longer mention John so I don't have to utter the words or is it refusal to face what really happened?

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-6917174361468968572009-11-05T05:49:00.000-08:002009-11-05T06:06:14.767-08:00

Ummmm...been reading a book by the author of the time traveler's wife about this woman who died of unspecified cancer (why don't they specify, it is annoying because cancer is not just cancer) and is a spirit trapped in her flat with her nieces who inherited the flat, and her former partner living down stairs. Interesting concept, but makes me wonder where John is trapped or is he trapped at all?

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-72262668743853491742009-09-11T17:14:00.000-07:002009-09-11T17:16:44.941-07:00

8 years ago on September 11 John and I sat on his bed and watched the happening in New York, Washington DC and Philidelphia. He was so afraid that he would be drafted and not be able to begin Culinary School. This day always marks the beginning to the appearance of John's leukemia.

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-45866593747463666812009-09-11T17:09:00.000-07:002009-09-11T17:13:33.449-07:00

This is where John is. It gives me great comfort.

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-10040801252136600742009-09-02T22:11:00.000-07:002009-09-02T22:31:54.516-07:00

Beginning a new medicine to see if it helps with the lack of light blues also known as season affect disease. I also met with the new therapist. She seems nice and trust worthy. I often want to post on this blog many of my real feelings, but fear loved ones will worry about me. On the other hand I want a true to life blog of life with so much loss. Tonight I visited my father and he has lost his

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-77458633267132935342009-08-02T19:12:00.000-07:002009-08-02T19:22:55.305-07:00

Today we celebrated Scott completion of the bar with a good portion of my family and almost all of Pop's family. It wasn't until later did I realize it was not at Jim and my wedding but at John's funeral I last saw all of us in the same room. Of course always there is a gaping hole whenever there is a family celebration. I am not sure how mnay people feel it, but there is always a part of me that

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-34687665765529938822009-07-28T20:15:00.000-07:002009-07-28T20:31:01.308-07:00

Not sure why the Universe must always push what I can handle. This week Scott is taking his bar exam which as a parent is really hard because all a parent wants is the easiest most wonderful life for their child. I want him to pass without a hitch, however I have learned the hard way there are no guarantees in life and even if one has had a hard time or given a few blows (IE. John dying) that

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-11973305034671115812009-07-14T14:01:00.000-07:002009-07-14T14:02:00.277-07:00

My sister Jennifer was at the beside of her friend Alex. He passed away while in remission from Lymphoma, however died from complications of “lung issues” Jen’s experience with cancer a lung issues is: It gets the person in the end. This is because if fungus gets into the lungs and having a compromised immunes system, the lungs do not have a chance to fight.After I talked to Jen about her friend

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-5317076715568101252009-07-07T21:00:00.000-07:002009-07-07T21:03:23.651-07:00

I know it may sound funny, but I had a really tearful day and now I feel better with John on my lap. Not really sure what is bringing the tears, but they are here and not going away.

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-73876347493690006552009-04-29T21:36:00.001-07:002009-04-29T21:36:40.943-07:00

5 YEARS LATER:Yes it has been 5 years since John took his last breath. It still feels so fresh. I still miss him terrible and wish I could have him sitting on the end of my bed watching The Simpson’s again. Life just will never be the same. So much has changed in 5 years, but the last 3 since Scott went to the East Coast have really been the hardest. It is like the wind is no longer in my sails

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-81275093704152481582009-03-29T20:06:00.001-07:002009-03-29T20:06:17.695-07:00

Suzanne Gooding died about two weeks ago. Since then it is much like post traumatic stress as Suzanne was one of John’s nurse and his Bone Marrow Transplant coordinator while he was on 4NE. She sent us off to City of Hope…with hope. She was the nurse I called when we discovered John’s platelets were dropping again and helped us at the Cancer Center while Dr. Wolf was gone that Thanksgiving (not

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-29839853336631129452009-02-26T14:48:00.000-08:002009-02-26T15:56:01.104-08:00

John would of been 27 yesterday. I looked for him every where and did not find him. I wonder if the last five years his spirit has drifited away. I did not even seem to feel or commune with him at Lalime's. Am going to have to decide if I want to go there again. John just was not there. He was not at the movies either. In some way is it a relief to think I do not have to find John on his

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-26132232794162158582009-02-15T17:57:00.001-08:002009-02-15T17:57:25.613-08:00

Today I have been thinking more of John; mostly I have been hit with brief memories that pierce me. Just snippets, John deciding to become DNR or falling in the bathroom when finally I decided he did not need me to escort him back and forth…that terrible thud and hearing the air being forced from his mouth. I am not sure what triggers days like this. Is it the rain or the proximity to his

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-34740203960715436612008-12-30T08:24:00.000-08:002008-12-30T08:25:16.181-08:00

Why do I still feel like screaming????

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-56268079749281475312008-11-17T09:17:00.000-08:002008-11-17T09:40:15.343-08:00

Funny how the death of someone changes what one thinks they will feel and do. Since Mom has died, which still seems a bit surrealistic, everyone has gone in their own direction to deal with it in their private way. After a couple dreams I decided to with the help/advice of the Priest to have Mom’s ashes blessed. The majority of her ashes are now in Arizona I believe already spread in the desert.

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-13490002831086763732008-10-09T07:00:00.001-07:002008-10-09T07:00:21.965-07:00

My Mom died last night. Her death and last days were so different than John’s. I wake this morning with two thoughts. One is that I have tried to see where she is and all I pick up is fog. She must be disoriented. Then other thought is that Mom missed a great opportunity. When she first was told she had terminal cancer I asked her to meditate and ask for John’s guidance. I told her I know it was

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-62916843105233184412008-07-15T21:41:00.001-07:002008-07-15T21:41:58.982-07:00

A week ago I had to put Scott’s cat Kelly to sleep. She woke up last Tuesday dying of old age. She was 19 ½ years old. Here is why I write about this experience. Both Scott and I agreed we would let nature take her if it was her time. But by the evening Kelly was suffering, walking a couple steps and collapsing. I took her to the vet that morning, the vet could not find any obvious illness, told

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-10551182437264666932008-06-29T20:07:00.000-07:002008-06-29T20:10:44.566-07:00

For those who read the blog regularly: Tonio died last night after almost a 10 year battle with multible myeoloma. He had two bone marrow transplants, one at the same time John did and they were good friends. Tonio helped me including sending me a message from John using our secret word. I am broken hearted. I have to believe John was there to great him and welcome him into his next life.

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-68075529224018736142008-05-17T21:27:00.000-07:002008-05-17T21:28:02.039-07:00

I have been thinking quite a bit about the direction of the Nitty Gritty. I can only go by my own experience of my life right now...often I know it is clouded by the death of John, but I would most likely be here in this state even if John was alive, because he would not be here at home anymore. So do I write about how lonely it is to live alone? That I worry not having the boys as a focus I go

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-5200700603896523622008-04-26T21:31:00.000-07:002008-04-26T21:32:14.350-07:00

So I have been thinking of the dreams the last couple weeks. Mostly they are of Scott and John, and I am not able to find them, looking for them, calling them, no answer. Of course there are all the insane dream qualities, especially the one where they were both dressed in banana costumes, but mostly it is about how they both do not want me to find them and me crying how cruel they are to not

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-66422468246334155692008-04-25T21:19:00.000-07:002008-04-25T21:30:24.298-07:00

Well here it is almost a week before the four year mark and I am sitting writing with such unbelievable pain. I have had many dreams with John and Scott the last few weeks. Most of them are me looking for John, still. I keep wondering when will the pain end, but it is endless. I will never be able to understand why John had to die and I am at least tonight too tired to be being brave. I just want

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-79654646297874802342008-02-25T20:28:00.001-08:002008-02-25T20:28:58.080-08:00

Well were should I start? Is it really John’s birthday? I guess so since he was born this day, but he certainly is not 26 years old. I have thought about the whole Happy Birthday thing, and is John having a happy birthday today? Is he wishing he was alive? My heart tells me no. I think John now has full understanding of his life purpose, that it was so short for a good reason, and all the

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-79198763474124422782008-01-01T21:47:00.000-08:002008-01-01T21:58:24.992-08:00

New Year, again. 2007 went too fast, but I often find it is yet again 10:00 and time for bed.Was driving home from the condo tonight after Scott helped me move some boxes from Jennifer's house and realized that I am having a bit of a crisis of faith. I really believed me condo would be sold by now, trusted God I was being led in the right direction to put it on the market and 6 months later I

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-47817762984055292752007-12-28T20:49:00.000-08:002007-12-28T20:50:18.547-08:00

Last night had a dream with John in it. He was cutting hair at Tresses, artistcally using the cutting razor on a client's dry hair, which is uncomfortable for the client and hard to accomplish the effect the hairstylist wants. I ke[t trying to catch his eye to pantamine the action of spraying the hair with water, but John was intent on what he was doing. Mostly what was disturbing is John did

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-8010368113363633872007-09-24T08:16:00.000-07:002007-09-24T10:07:55.982-07:00

Today it is six years since John's initial diagnosis September 24, 2001. Woke up this morning six years in the past as if not a day has gone by. Only think what isdifferent is my body feels six years beaten down. Some of this malise today I am sure is my dear friend Kimba died a week ago Friday. I was dreaming of her and John and the differences between their passing. John died surrounded by

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-50958480174919766682007-08-23T06:21:00.000-07:002007-08-23T06:22:10.385-07:00

The last few weeks have been eventful even happy…but then reality steps in and I feel myself curling up into a ball and wanting to make it all go away. This morning it feels like too much work to do all the things I expect from myself. It started last Thursday when I went to the doctor and realized I did not have any fight left in me…I was a few minutes late, they had me wait, and I gave up. I

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-89462168143514090412007-07-31T21:24:00.000-07:002007-07-31T21:25:05.451-07:00

Last Saturday I completed the necessary prayers, acts of contrition, blessings from Father Michael (the first year priest) and confession to assure John is now fully in heaven. I still believe in my heart of hearts John went straight to heaven, he did not pass go or have to collect his $200.00. John was a good man, with a soft gentle heart. What does it all mean? One of the traditions required is

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-21119115112690091662007-07-19T09:25:00.001-07:002007-07-19T20:08:43.794-07:00

Many new thoughts are coming together this morning, mostly for the better. First of all the Med-Mind doc has decided not to change or increase my meds, wants me to go see Sharon more often for a while as many things have come up the last few months that are compounded by grieving and therapy. Both seem to agree that I am not close to going crazy or being committed, that what I am feeling is what

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-56544802181015985622007-07-08T19:44:00.001-07:002007-07-08T19:44:32.894-07:00

I am sure most have had a song or a rhyme stuck in their head, lately for me it is Humpty Dumpty. I cannot get the picture of me falling off the wall and breaking into thousands of pieces and all the sisters, brothers, friends, therapists and anti-depressants will not put me back together again. The light of my soul leaks from the inside out and I have no reserve to help heal me. This is grief.

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-67779858853844678542007-06-13T21:12:00.001-07:002007-06-13T21:12:24.298-07:00

Since moving a couple weeks ago I have had time to reflect how lucky I am that my sisters care about me. I do feel so much better being in close proximity to a sibling again. The last year is the first time I have lived by myself and not had a sister next door. I hate to admit that the empty nest has been very hard. Especially since I like to be alone, but apparently I also like having people

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-53303176110136515962007-05-17T22:22:00.000-07:002007-05-17T22:23:05.683-07:00

The other day I ran into a cancer center comrade who was coming up on her husband’s first anniversary of his passing from melanoma. I was also Charlotte’s first return to Alta Bates since her husband’s passing and she shared she was having vivid flash backs of what she was doing, what she was thinking, and how helpless she felt. All I could tell her is that after three years it is different,

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-89756275870162449172007-05-08T08:11:00.000-07:002007-05-08T08:12:05.050-07:00

I would have written on May 4th or the 5th, but I have been too happy and busy enjoying the sunshine. After mass on Friday (the dreaded 5/4) suddenly I knew I was going to make it another year. What instant relief. I think deep inside or actually fairly shallow I do not trust my own strength and begin to become anxious I will make the turn into insanity and not turn back. I see this each day I

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-79789565030997749532007-05-03T22:55:00.000-07:002007-05-04T04:54:55.264-07:00

I hate to admit it but I've had a drop too much wine and I am sad. I have eaten an half a pack of Mother’s Taffy cookies and feel like barfing soon. I am so ashamed I do not stand tall and brave here alone tonight. In about three hours John will be dead three years and I still wonder what I did in my present and past live that could even remotely deserve this fate. I know that many mothers have

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-69439379525958371962007-05-01T19:14:00.000-07:002007-05-01T19:16:06.459-07:00

This morning during my meditation I had a vivid image of my diaphragm expanding with my breath deeply and then exhaling with a large growl. I wish I could release these crys that simmer inside often taking my breath and sanity away. I am aware it is only a few more days to the third anniversary of John dying. How could it be so long ago? I am trying hard to have it become just another day, but I

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-50797287812523530912007-04-19T21:40:00.000-07:002007-04-19T21:42:09.259-07:00

Gosh, many things are happening. One is I have decided to try and sell the condo. It was a mistake to move from my home on Kains with all the warm memories. John now is so distant. I cannot often differentiate the sadness I feel is from my current life situation or this way too big empty apartment. I realize I go to bed within a few minutes of coming home because there is really nothing to do

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-33077816736207854802007-04-11T06:36:00.001-07:002007-04-11T06:36:44.972-07:00

Today is my birthday. Three years ago it was Easter and my birthday. It is also the day the last picture of John was taken by Scott. I see this picture everyday on my mantle. His cheeks are flush with disease, his hair still had not returned since the transplant. It was fine a furry like a chick. When he died I remember going to the mortuary as Jackie said ‘just to be sure he was really dead”

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-33864391313698308332007-04-04T20:41:00.000-07:002007-04-04T20:42:03.217-07:00

A big part of having someone, especially a child die, is it builds a solid layer, almost a candy coating around the heart. The result is it takes very little to become desponded. The littlest thing is always akin to the camels back weighed down waiting for the final straw.What does this mean? It means when I make a mistake, the self loathing and punishing words of “you are stupid” or “how could

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-7810867513030575782007-03-26T19:02:00.000-07:002007-03-26T19:03:19.449-07:00

Carpe diem. This phrase repeatedly goes through my mind. Carpe diem, your kid dies, go and create a little pleasure in life, don’t always hold back, if something is wanted, I should find a way to have it. Well the truth is I have carpe diem’d a couple times and it failed. I guess the rest of the world does not quite get spontaneous thoughts that are acted on (especially on a pretty and sunny

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-81948493959198370402007-03-16T21:02:00.000-07:002007-03-16T21:04:49.270-07:00

Have to admit since John's birthday I have seemed to come out of my mourning stage. Still making tons of mistakes. Often speaking out of turn. I am embracing how funny I am since I make myself laugh all the time. Just thought it was time to put all minds at ease that there seems to be a little dot of light at the end of the tunnel.

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-33322698140958062632007-03-05T21:45:00.001-08:002007-03-05T21:51:16.328-08:00

Gosh it will be nice when I even out a bit, still the ups and downs are around. It does not take much to put me on the pitty pot, even when I know in the end everything will as always be okay (except the end result with John, that sure did throw me for a loop). I do have so many good things that happen, do not want anyone to think that my life is all bad because it is mostly all good, really.On

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-79798189448304141842007-03-05T21:45:00.000-08:002007-03-05T21:50:45.576-08:00

Gosh it will be nice when I even out a bit, still the ups and downs are around. It does not take much to put me on the pitty pot, even when I know in the end everything will as always be okay (except the end result with John, that sure did throw me for a loop). I do have so many good things that happen, do want anyone to think that my life is all bad because it is mostly all good, really.On

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-81296806166916240382007-02-25T19:25:00.000-08:002007-02-25T19:26:36.020-08:00

John would be 25 today. Hard to say happy birthday because the reality is no more birthdays for John. He stopped having birthdays at 22.One may wonder what a mom does on her deceased son’s birthday. I went to John’s tree, the seedling is doing well. Have to thank John for caring enough from heaven to make me at least feel like a grandmother. Spent time with Pop. We watched NASCAR and rooted Dale

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-39706458540827898242007-02-19T18:06:00.001-08:002007-02-19T18:06:34.101-08:00

I do believe I have finally lost my mind. As I was walking at the beach today, of course to let the in and out of the waves calm my brain, hoping to put me on an even keel, I began to follow these footprints. I was sure these foot prints were some sort of sign from above that would lead me to some sort of “aha” of life and it’s meaning. The truth is all these prints led me to is the end of the

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-44186430422438277222007-02-18T20:10:00.000-08:002007-02-18T20:11:18.941-08:00

A week from today would have been John’s 25th birthday. I really do not know how I am going to keep it together through this week. I am unfrozen these days, trying to put my best foot forward, but often the peaks and valleys of my emotions make it difficult. Today I ran into one of John’s best friends with his wife and toddler. The wife is pregnant again. While I know life goes on for everyone,

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-6781991370430968422007-02-13T07:24:00.001-08:002007-02-09T20:32:31.686-08:00

This morning I sit here crying trying to figure out how in the world I can learn to hug myself. My house is so empty. The cats help because I can hug them and Nico, God bless him grooms me, but their arms just are not long enough to wrap me tight. I often sit in the fetal position wrapped in blankets looking to me to be my own comforter as only I can provide my own true comfort and happiness. The

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-60818356167654810812007-02-09T20:32:00.001-08:002007-01-29T08:55:22.097-08:00

This morning at work I wrote:I have lately had someone push me to release John’s ashes. I know now that I am holding on to them because like the morphine I let them give John that I cannot get them back. Until I am sure what John would like me to do, and until he contacts me directly I will hold on to them. I do not want to have anymore regrets. When John was dying everyone was sure he was on the

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-35899072367746598092007-01-29T08:55:00.001-08:002007-01-29T08:55:22.394-08:00

For those who worry about me, try not. I am fortunate enough to have dear friends and family who help me stay on an even keel. I have to admit I am still taking in the nicotine, but not very much and I did go a couple weeks without it. Last Tuesday was just too much and I gave in. Once I give in I have to ride it to the habitual end in order to have the strength and will power to stop. I will

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-14356070109293393312007-01-25T22:05:00.001-08:002007-01-25T22:05:17.384-08:00

Today I do feel better. Have a better grip on things then on the way home I was overcome with the memory that John died in my arms. I know John knows all I do and most of the time I feel ashamed. I am really trying to live an honorable life, but I just cannot. I make so many mistakes. I only hope that where John is he recognizes I am left to be human while he got to go on and be divine.

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-76863106174358541882007-01-23T18:08:00.001-08:002007-01-23T18:08:49.930-08:00

It finally happened today. I actually lay on my floor and cried. I always thought that was bull shit grief would hit so profoundly that it has the power to keep one from moving. As silly as I felt I decided to go with it because the therapist says it is good for me to let the lid off. One of my fears is if I let the grief fly I would never want to get out of be--or off the floor. But I did,

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-55115271105034791532007-01-15T21:55:00.001-08:002007-01-16T20:17:26.220-08:00

Had a fairly profound experience this morning. God answered a prayer in such a way I cannot even pretend or reason away the experience. The answered prayer really is not important or interesting, however my reaction to it and what happened a bit later I think is important, especially that it allowed many tears today, frankly I am worn out from crying, but I also feel a bit cleansed of some of the

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1168825119754650842007-01-14T17:37:00.000-08:002007-01-14T17:38:39.776-08:00

I was at church this morning and decided I was there for the wrong reason and left. I absolutely hate feeling so low. I really did not think I could feel any worse than I have and then I surprise myself and I feel worse. Jennifer says it is good I am feeling something, but please God put me back to sleep. I do not want to feel any of this. It was so much easier to get out of bed and work and

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1168142167753152142007-01-06T19:55:00.000-08:002007-01-06T19:56:07.766-08:00

The New Year has started, Scott has gone back to DC and I now have to deal with an empty house and cranky cats who cannot understand why (especially Kelly) Scott is not here to pet them.I got home from Arizona and the world closed in. I even wondered if I needed to be hospitalized for a brief second my sadness is so great. Now I will dive into work as a distraction from the pain, which will at

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1167746588756734202007-01-02T05:42:00.000-08:002007-01-02T06:22:34.216-08:00

So now it is 2007. Not sure if it means much since it is just a day that separates the year. Hoping I will continue to thaw, which is easy to say now that I have been spending time with John and Laura in Arizona. Came here and immediately called Jackie that I wanted to come home...now I don't want to leave. John's (brother John) house is calm and welcoming. I went to Sedona as recommended, sort

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1167297439254952272006-12-28T01:16:00.000-08:002006-12-28T01:17:19.276-08:00

Today I went to a meditation friend to get grounded for the New Year. One of the things she suggested was for me to write to Jesus. My life has been a bit of a mess, mostly because God felt it was a good time to introduce me to someone (M) that would shake my already shaky existence and bring to surface feelings I did not want to admit, mostly even though I stay fairly positive and independent

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1166932066414125232006-12-23T19:47:00.000-08:002006-12-23T19:47:46.430-08:00

People who know have promised it will get easier with each day, but it does not. I wake today mad that I am letting the holidays make me feel worse than I do on any other day. I feel the thoughts racing, I want to put such a tight lid on all these feeling that are bubbling up. I do see the season has progressed I have done many things that would be suspiciously self destructive. Notice the

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1166671774510716922006-12-20T19:29:00.000-08:002006-12-20T19:29:34.523-08:00

I know it is not just the holiday that has made me aware; I have to admit I miss the teetering numbness of not wanting or being part of this earth. The truth is since John’s visit/dream I had of him in Spain and the spider web I have been spiraling head first back to the human realm. Lucky me. This morning I wake of thoughts of John and Brett Banks. The similarities of their lives, both 22 when

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1166106633174010122006-12-14T06:29:00.000-08:002006-12-14T06:30:33.186-08:00

Well the thaw has begun. Just in time for one of the most emotionally charged seasons that is put upon us. I have so many thoughts about and observations of this time of year, the angry honking drivers on Solano Avenue scurrying around shopping so they will be able to spread the cheer, the over importance of it. But the truth is the blog is about coping with John dying, not a platform for me to

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1165729038678218732006-12-09T21:36:00.000-08:002006-12-09T21:37:18.680-08:00

These days are often so hard to figure out. It is hard to say whether or not I would be in the same mind space of trying to refigure out life again any way or if it is different than average empty nest I feel. I know many women when their children left home that went through stages of anorexia and mania. Fortunately I suffer from neither, just don’t know where my life is heading. Recently I

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1162756823041001382006-11-05T11:59:00.001-08:002006-11-05T12:00:23.063-08:00

I have become a world traveler, well sort of. I went to Spain with Jackie and Tricia, had a nice time. Why would I even bother to write this on the blog? Is it to let you know life goes on…'cause it really still doesn’t? I write because I had what I know was a full visit from John when I was in Spain. Not just his voice, not as a child (which I still treasure beyond comprehension), but all of

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1162756810196027642006-11-05T11:59:00.000-08:002006-11-05T12:00:10.210-08:00

I have become a world traveler, well sort of. I went to Spain with Jackie and Tricia, had a nice time. Why would I even bother to write this on the blog? Is it to let you know life goes on…'cause it really still doesn’t? I write because I had what I know was a full visit from John when I was in Spain. Not just his voice, not as a child (which I still treasure beyond comprehension), but all of

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1159411591049453912006-09-27T19:45:00.000-07:002006-09-27T19:46:31.070-07:00

Had a very special thing happen the other day. September 25 is the day John was diagnosed, etched in my brain forever. I was out of town walking with a friend when I suggested we go a different way. She noticed some really neat spider webs because the sun was setting against them, but I noticed the one with writing in the center. It said, 5 4 which happens to be the day John passed away. I do

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1158982940672565642006-09-22T20:41:00.000-07:002006-09-22T20:42:20.690-07:00

Five years ago John came home with what I thought was the flu. Next the bruises appeared and I accused him of being in a car wreak and not telling me. Later that night I covered John’s ears and asked my sister Jen did she think that it could be leukemia? She of course told me I was crazy, of course not. I remember being upset that John was calling in sick to his new job at Lalimes, they just

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1155786860132006742006-08-16T20:53:00.000-07:002006-08-16T20:54:20.146-07:00

Scott is off to DC, began orientation today. I am very proud of how hard he has worked to make this happen. How do I feel now that I am alone? Not too bad, I am a little messier than I thought I was. I always think of myself as a neat nick, but that was before kids. Now they have broken me in to tolerate clutter. Oh well there is worse in life than a little bit of mess. Besides, if I do not keep

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1151124957050946672006-06-23T21:37:00.000-07:002006-06-23T21:55:57.126-07:00

This evening I watched a public television special about children and their families with cancer. Of course three had leukemia and of the 5 children features, 3 die. The film makers did not mean this to happen, the families were picked at random, but the f-ing cancer just kept wearing the patients and families down. What was hard was seeing myself in so many aspects of the parents, and then

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1147060294782189172006-05-07T20:51:00.000-07:002006-05-07T20:51:34.803-07:00

Honestly I really thought I would have the energy to write on May 4th this year, but I could not find it. In a way I think this is very good. After 2 years since John died I do not feel as traumatized as I did. I do feel numb, and there are times I am still pretty mad. Also there are times that I have to convince myself that John was a living human being, and not a delusion since real life would

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1143863171334796042006-03-31T19:45:00.000-08:002006-03-31T19:46:11.346-08:00

The other day I was feeling pretty terrible. A few has expressed concern, please don’t worry, while it is tough to get through this period of my life, I know I will. About a week ago I had a middle of the night epiphany. I have been complaining about my sugar binges for almost two years. Then I realized that my idea of a binge is so far off what a real binge is that I decided it was time to cut

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1142828396230116012006-03-19T20:18:00.000-08:002006-03-19T20:20:13.953-08:00

I am telling you I am feeling like a real loser these days. I am a loser of my kid, a loser in love, loser of clients, loser of my mind, the only thing I am not a loser in is a loser of weight. I know that is still such a ridiculous thing to worry or be upset over, but I am. And the terrible thing is that I have to fight not to cry over this trivial thing. Yet crying for John seems so hard. If I

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1140873944844148702006-02-25T05:25:00.000-08:002006-02-25T05:25:44.856-08:00

Hey John.It’s your birthday today. You would have been 24 today. Can’t believe how old you would have been. A real grown up, not a kid anymore. You would have been two years out of the house having a real life with James and I am sure a great gal too. T-Rex sure could use your meat grilling expertise. They restaurant has gotten off to a rocky start, but you know that already since I am sure you

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1139379691671799562006-02-07T21:57:00.000-08:002006-02-07T22:21:31.726-08:00

I am thinking I should rename the Blog since what ever I am going through really has little to do with Alta Bates anymore. Should it be renamed Grief Nitty Gritty? I really do not know.I realize that there are many times I want to write, but just cannot muster the energy to turn on the computer. I think I spend most of my energy trying just to get through the day and then fall into bed. I find

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1136260395845864702006-01-02T19:50:00.000-08:002006-01-02T19:53:15.856-08:00

I had a dream last night about going to a bar already almost drunk. I met an intriguing man who I left with. He asked me if I was a prostitute the same way a drug dealer would ask if the person he is selling drugs to is a cop. There was something creepy about the guy. I did not care. He gave me this cup to drink, I knew it was a drug, took it anyway. I then began to realize this guy was not only

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1129345738356478372005-10-14T19:57:00.000-07:002005-10-14T20:08:58.366-07:00

I know it has been a while since I have written anything, but I have to admit sometimes I only have enough energy for the world and then I get home, I can let the depression sink in and show and cannot fathom writing anything even though so much has happened recently. Most know that I have moved last month, I still do not know why I had such a need to look hard and do this while my emotional life

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1126843276883991092005-09-15T21:01:00.000-07:002005-09-15T21:01:16.890-07:00

Well in ten days I will be moving. This means that I have had to go through all the things in the basement including John’s boxes and decide what really is best to keep and what should be given away. I decided to check with the owners of Lalime’s and see if they wanted John’s chef jackets, pants, hats and aprons. Luckily they did because I just do not think I could stand to give them away to

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1124223483409712032005-08-16T13:14:00.000-07:002005-08-16T13:18:03.416-07:00

Scott moved home a couple weekends ago. He is planning on applying for law school and wants to save additional money so as he says “Won’t be as broke as other lawyers.” when he gets out of school. I have to say it is really comforting to have him in my immediate space again. I realized fairy quickly that it knowing where he is that brings the most comfort. When Scott lives outside the home,

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1121955799225442832005-07-21T07:20:00.000-07:002005-07-21T07:25:00.786-07:00

Had terrible dreams last night about being in a really dirty house, my sister being mean, and John was there as a little boy and when I went over to lay next to him and cuddle he stuck his tongue in my ear. When I went back to my house(not my current house, but the house in Albany I lived in when I went to High School) some tough kids were harassing me and John's bike was left in the rain. I woke

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1121177369311174592005-07-12T07:09:00.000-07:002005-07-12T07:09:29.316-07:00

I had an interesting journey yesterday. A friend told me of a woman who guides deep meditation. Well I have been searching for some sort of answer so I decided to sign myself up for a private session as I was told they can be really intense including at times throwing up as a way to purge oneself of their pain. The woman has a background of being a psychotherapist and is also a shaman. A week

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1118680529681022652005-06-13T09:35:00.000-07:002005-06-13T09:35:29.686-07:00

My sugar Jones have actually gotten so bad that I had to make a deal with myself that if there was no line at Starbucks to get a small coffee frappacino light that I would not go to the doughnut shop next door and get an apple fritter. I have had sugar problems in the past as it is often like heroin for me, once I eat it I often go into a nod of pure pleasure, but it has never been this bad. The

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1117424598403069452005-05-29T20:35:00.000-07:002005-05-29T20:43:18.406-07:00

Another day, another day, another day. I would think by now since I am "through the worse" that I would stop feeling the tornado of anger spinning inside me. But there is going around and around, hardly ever stopping. Sugar temporarily slows it down, but that is not a solution, as when I am trying to slow the spinning I add self loathing for not being strong or able to control myself to the list

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1115761546169325702005-05-10T13:51:00.000-07:002005-05-10T14:45:46.273-07:00

I've tried to start this entry twice already and keep leaving my words unposted. They do not adequately reflect what I would like to say. I heard about John before I met him. My husband Tony worked with him at Christopher's and not having previous experience as a cook was thankful to have a friend in the kitchen. Tony had mentioned that he felt like he had a little brother at work but that the

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1115748772430112192005-05-10T10:55:00.000-07:002005-05-10T11:12:52.533-07:00

The significant thing about John is, that he showed us how to live, to live in the present. John was a teacher camouflaged in a youthful body, he taught with "Silence". He fought a valient battle to stay in his body of flesh for those that he loved. He did not panic, and at least to me, he showed a way to release from the body and wordly concerns. He gave me the gift of his presence from the

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1115351328227396822005-05-05T20:41:00.000-07:002005-05-05T20:48:48.320-07:00

I always see John in his Chef's whites. I don't see him in the hospital, though God knows I did. I never see him sick. I see Big John standing strong and proud and confident with the short, swift movements all good cooks have. I see him behind the line at Christopher's working hard, learning and concentrating to become better every day. Wasn't he lucky? In the short proscribed arc of his

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1115264601300113812005-05-04T20:43:00.000-07:002005-05-04T20:43:21.306-07:00

May 4, 2005To all of John and Becca's friends and family (for some of us who so fervently depended on this blog for our connection during John's journey), I come here to tell you all how sad I am that John is not here today, and how proud I am of John's mom. I have known Becca and her family a long time, at least 20 years. I remember when John was in school and how hard Becca advocated for

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1115213994418555742005-05-04T06:39:00.000-07:002005-05-05T20:02:38.693-07:00

I have been trying so hard to come up with the proper words that express how this last year has been. I am no Hemmingway, I can only express that the air is still knocked out of me, I cannot believe it has already been a year and while I no longer count weeks or remember Tuesday as the “D” day there are very few moments that John is out of my thoughts.Usually the thoughts are seeing something he

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1113458373288489102005-04-13T22:51:00.000-07:002005-04-13T22:59:33.290-07:00

Man o Man, today is one year to the day of the beginning of the end. John entered the hospital one year ago today. Were we full of hope or fear, it is hard to remember since everything is clouded with the end result. I would like to pretend that I had full unshakable faith John would get through it and survive. Mostly I remember being really mad because we misplaced his insurance card that he

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1112796319293724432005-04-06T06:50:00.000-07:002005-04-06T07:05:19.293-07:00

I went to Washington, DC this weekend. Had a really nice time with my friend Laurie and her sister Amy. We toured Mount Vernon, went to several of the Smithsonian museums, and had a variety of different weather, including thunder and lightening, bitter cold wind and sunshine. The cherry blossoms should be completely open today, there were wonderful buds and a few flowing trees when I walked the

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1111646227271328732005-03-23T22:26:00.000-08:002005-03-23T22:37:07.273-08:00

Yesterday was a pretty awful day for me. I was very tense and terse, didn't want to be at work and feeling very heavy. Spent a good deal of time crying on Monday over empathic with Nico having to go to the vet and worrying he would reject me when I brought him home. And now it makes sense. A year ago John and I learned that John was no longer in remission, that he had 30% cancer cells in his

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1110548770832335432005-03-11T05:45:00.000-08:002005-03-12T20:15:36.713-08:00

Woke up this morning with tortured thoughts. I keep wondering when will I be able to stop replaying John's last night and if I gave up on him. Since John died I have found some solice in getting up and reading the bible, but then often I think if only I'd been faithful in some other way. I don't even remember praying that night, I was focused on helping stop bleeding and breathing. If only...

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1110548484064781212005-03-11T05:35:00.000-08:002005-03-11T05:41:24.066-08:00

Woke up this morning with tortured thoughts. I keep wondering when will I be able to stop replaying John's last night and if I gave up on him. Since John died I have found some solice in getting up and reading the bible, but then often I think if only I'd been faithful in some other way. I don't even remember praying that night, I was focused on helping stop bleeding and breathing. If only...

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1109638565698601822005-02-28T16:46:00.000-08:002005-02-28T16:56:05.700-08:00

Scott, Pop, the family and I all made it through John's birthday. I finally am feeling back in my skin as I think I did leave my body so I didn't have to feel all the pain of John not being here. Lalime's treated us like royalty, they were so great to us...if you guys ever read this THANK YOU.I went to the movies and saw "Man of the House" and John would of agreed also that it was a stinky bomb.

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1109342614914492952005-02-25T06:43:00.000-08:002005-02-25T06:43:34.916-08:00

A year ago today John and I had plans for lunch at Barneys. John had just started back to culinary school that week and when he woke up he was tired and feeling like he might puke. If anyone knows John, they know how much he hated to puke. As a matter of fact John aside from having the chemo barfs only threw up two other times during his illness.It did cross my mind briefly that John each time he

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5946602.post-1108048240602842762005-02-10T06:59:00.000-08:002005-02-13T15:02:15.796-08:00

I often find myself writing things on pieces of paper, wanting to help convey the essence of what it is like to be grieving, but in all the hub bub of my mind racing around I seem to misplace not only the paper but also my thoughts. I do believe there is an aspect of complete insanity that happens to a parent who loses their child because certainly I can not be alone.Do have to share that getting

beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16051148680380951345noreply@blogger.com